{"id":960,"date":"2018-11-23T11:25:39","date_gmt":"2018-11-23T16:25:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.starlitskycoaching.com\/?p=960"},"modified":"2019-10-30T10:50:56","modified_gmt":"2019-10-30T14:50:56","slug":"shes-too-old-to-have-kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.starlitskycoaching.com\/shes-too-old-to-have-kids\/","title":{"rendered":"She\u2019s Too Old to Have Kids . . ."},"content":{"rendered":"

I remember once being at a friend\u2019s barbecue standing in line putting food on my plate when one of the women there commented \u2018no wonder you\u2019re so thin, you eat so little\u2019. \u00a0I didn\u2019t perceive her tone to be particularly nice. I looked at my plate and then looked at her plate and thought that the amount of food on our plates looked exactly the same. I didn\u2019t say anything but was thinking afterwards that I should have told her I eat quite a lot (ask my husband) and I also have been active and exercise quite regularly and have been doing so my whole life.\u00a0 To be honest, it annoyed me a little that trying to be healthy and stay in shape to the best of my ability which takes time, effort, and discipline was minimized to me \u2018eating so little\u2019.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve never wanted kids.\u00a0 Even when I was little I knew it.\u00a0 When I would daydream about my future, it would be that I had a career, was married, and had a nice, clean, clutter-free home.<\/p>\n

In my experience as a woman, it\u2019s been an interesting and at times challenging choice not to have children.\u00a0 Although to my recollection I got married first before my friends, most of them got married and subsequently had children. There was a period where I would attend weddings regularly for a few years as we all do.\u00a0 Then came the time where most of my friends were getting pregnant and having children.\u00a0 When my friends were having kids, I was excited for them but felt they were going through a life experience that I could not fully comprehend, and that lack of shared experience was something that made it challenging for me to relate to them and for them to relate to me during that time.\u00a0 It was a little lonely and even my friends out of complete love and affection for me often suggested that I have a baby.\u00a0 It\u2019s something that I could never relate to – having kids or the desire to have kids.\u00a0 It\u2019s often a conversation ender, to be honest and I\u2019ve received lots of well-intentioned advice for all the wonderful things I\u2019d be missing out on; that I was only thinking of what I\u2019d be giving up versus all that I\u2019d gain.<\/p>\n

When my friends started having kids, it was driving my mother quite crazy.\u00a0 She was relentless, trying every angle to get me to have kids. \u201cWhat if you just have one?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll watch your baby for you.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019ll regret it if you don\u2019t have kids.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWhy don\u2019t we just go get tests to see if you can have kids.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re not a real woman until you have kids.\u201d She asked me once \u2018don\u2019t you get jealous when your friends get pregnant\u2019 to which I replied \u2013 \u2018no I feel happy for them and then happy that I don\u2019t have to worry about having kids myself\u2019.\u00a0 She went from encouraging, bribing, berating . . . this went on for years.\u00a0 She still brings it up, to be honest ????.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been very open and honest about how I feel my whole life.\u00a0 Once I took someone out to lunch from work and they told me about how they struggled to have children for a while but then read this book that was incredibly helpful.\u00a0 I listened with interest but didn\u2019t realize that they were sharing this story because they wanted to lend me the book.\u00a0 I smiled and said \u2018oh thank you, but I\u2019m actually not interested in having children\u2019. I was a little bewildered as I was certain that I had already mentioned this in the past.\u00a0 I asked a friend of mine whether she believed that people thought when I said I didn\u2019t want kids, that it was perhaps to hide the fact that I was having difficulty conceiving – without hesitation, she said yes.\u00a0 I found that very odd and a little insulting.\u00a0 If I really want something, I\u2019m pretty relentless in pursuing it.\u00a0 Also, if I did want kids, adoption would be my first choice.<\/p>\n

As I passed the \u2018standard child-bearing age\u2019 (although really nowadays I believe women are successfully having children much later in life which I think is amazing), I would be at events with relatives who would ask about kids and then ask how old I am and comment to one another \u2018Oh she\u2019s too old to have kids now\u2019 which would totally piss me off.\u00a0 I would say \u2018I don\u2019t think I\u2019m too old to have kids, I just don\u2019t want them\u2019 but it really felt as though no one was listening to me.\u00a0 Similar to the lady at the barbecue, I felt that my choice that I had been honest about, stuck to through all of the well-intentioned mom and peer pressure, that had taken away my ability to fully relate to a part of my friends\u2019 lives, that I\u2019m actually really proud and happy about, was negatively reframed as something that I could not do.\u00a0 Perhaps that was not the intention, but that is how it landed (more than once).<\/p>\n

When people tell me that I can\u2019t do something, I\u2019m often motivated to do that thing just to show them that I can.\u00a0 That night I told my husband my annoyance and told him we\u2019re going to have a baby just to show them that I am capable of having one (then we had a good laugh).\u00a0 It was obviously a joke but the feelings that made me think of it were quite real.\u00a0 It felt like I was being made to feel deficient for not having something that I didn\u2019t even want.<\/p>\n

It made me think, how often do we create and pursue goals based on pressure that we are feeling from other people or judgement that we are placing on ourselves? \u00a0How much of what we do is because we really want to versus for other people\u2019s approval?\u00a0 If you suddenly found yourself away from your family, friends and colleagues hopes and wishes, judgement and expectations, what would you want your life to include or not to include?\u00a0 Would you maybe care less about certain things?\u00a0 And more about others?\u00a0 Like getting married?\u00a0 Having kids?\u00a0 Or getting divorced?\u00a0 What title you hold?\u00a0 Where the last place you vacationed was? \u00a0What you wore?\u00a0 How new your car was? \u00a0How agreeable and likeable you were?<\/p>\n

Here is how I get through the pressure of other people\u2019s (perceived or real) expectations and judgements of me:<\/p>\n